My Computer's Totally Busted!

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Alright, listen up! My computer/This PC/It is acting worse than usual/like a total lemon/like it’s possessed and I need to get it fixed ASAP/sort this mess out pronto/resolve this problem immediately. I tried rebooting it/I messed around with the settings/I think something's seriously wrong, but nothing seems to work/is making any difference/is helping. Maybe you can give me some tips/point me in the right direction/tell me what to do because I’m desperate/running out of time/at my wit’s end.

Is it a hardware issue?/Could it be a virus?/What if it's something more serious?
Help me figure this out before I go crazy!/
Please, someone save my sanity!

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MY COMPUTER'S TOTALLY BUSTED!

My Computer's Totally Busted!